u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
