but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
