mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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