I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
