There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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