My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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