I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
