the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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