Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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