No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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