I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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