At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
