So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
