no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Houston, we have a blender
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
