Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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