Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
