My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
