just survived the first fart of the relationship.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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