if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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