Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
