since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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