I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
