You really coming over, don't trick.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
