Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
