I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
