She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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