end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
