if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
