I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
