he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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