Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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