he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
