Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
