I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
