So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
