How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
