My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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