Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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