She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
