I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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