dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
