The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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