I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
