i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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