Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
