I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
