No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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