Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
