apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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