i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
