A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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