Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
